I’ve constantly worked most of my life to ensure everything was ok. My job was to make sure everything was copacetic. Everything was smooth. People were content. Their needs were met. They could achieve their goals. They could find a heart to unload upon. They could count on me to listen. Everything would be ok. Whatever it is. Just sit in my office. You can cry. It’s ok. Let’s sit here at coffee. I hear you. Let’s splash in the bath all the tears will wash away. Mummy promises.
For most of my life I was that, I still am that. Let me hear you. I’ll listen to you. I can see you. I can assuage your fears and redirect your fear. I work hard to see you. I can see people coming a mile away. I can read their intent and can gut feel their hidden secrets. It’s less a talent than a deflection. So easy to work on giving away to others. So second nature to be able to comfort. So rote you don’t even have to emotionally invest in you getting anything out of it.
Because nobody wanted to hear me. Nobody wanted to know. It was messy so just fix it. I can’t help you. I don’t know what to do for you. I find it tiring to be with you. I didn’t know how to help myself even when I knew the solution. Even when I had a plan. So it’s much easier to swallow it. Pretend it’s not there. It’s easier to love with love I haven’t chosen to give myself. It’s more desirable to be in the box you put yourself in. No one else is going to save you. No one else will see me the way I see me. No one else will stick the landing over and over and over again to hold my hand if nothing ever changes.
Give your love away to make yourself whole. Give the love away you won’t give to yourself. It’s cursed. I’m cursed. To know myself and be standing still. To choose the veneer of a half life in order to give others a whole one.
I stand still and watch the sun set and the moon rise. All for the chance to one day be caught in the snare of something. Someone. Another body. Another soul. Another rudderless mess who wants to uproot me. A mess who is bewitched by my own mess. Another mess who will let me surrender to them. And guide me to my own made freedom. And embrace me entirely.